Whisky stones. The most redundant invention since the electric fork.
Supposedly, they keep your dram cold without diluting it. In reality, they don’t chill anything properly, they don’t improve flavour, and they deprive you of the glorious alchemy that happens when a drop of water meets good whisky.
Stones do nothing but make you look like you lost an argument with a gift shop. They’re just freezer ballast. Geological cosplay masquerading as sophistication. Distillers didn’t labour for years just so you could lob decorative rubble into their life’s work.
Why, why, why, Delilah, are these in my stocking again?
What to Do with Whisky Stones
So, what are they good for? Well, if you’ve already been suckered into owning a set, here are some alternative uses:
Emergency Skimming Stones
Why let them rot in your freezer when you could take them to the nearest lake and finally prove to your mates you’re a champion stone-skipper? Bonus points if you explain they were “engineered for minimal splash impact” while clutching your Glenfiddich tote bag.
DIY Spa Treatment
Too broke for spa days? Lie down and scatter a few whisky stones across your back. Within minutes, you’ll forget all about whisky because you’ll be preoccupied with swearing and wondering if you’ve cracked a rib.
Miniature Curling Set
Clear some space on the kitchen counter, drizzle it with washing-up liquid, and suddenly you’ve got a tiny Canadian winter sport to pass the time. The loser has to drink the oldest bottle of Crème de menthe you can find. Warm.
Cat Deterrent
Cats hate sitting on cold, lumpy surfaces. Line a windowsill with whisky stones and watch your feline overlord pick a new perch. Congratulations, you’ve invented the world’s most pretentious litter tray accessory.
Pagan Currency
When society collapses, actual money will be useless. But a pouch of sleek, polished whisky stones? That’s a ready-made barter system right there. “Two stones for your goat, good sir.”
The only acceptable Whisky Stones
Surprise Wedding Confetti
Imagine the joy on a couple’s face when their guests pelt them with tiny, freezing boulders. Nothing says “eternal love” quite like mild concussion and dental bills.
Emergency Dice
Running a Dungeons & Dragons campaign but forgot the dice? Toss a handful of whisky stones and declare: “The square-ish one is a critical hit.” Nobody will argue, because everyone’s too busy joyously drinking whisky without stones.
Extreme Aromatherapy
Heat them up instead of cooling them. Nothing says “relaxation” like carefully placing hot rocks on your forehead while your flatmate looks for ways out in the tenancy agreement.
Re-enacting Stonehenge in Miniature
Got friends coming round? Arrange your whisky stones in a tasteful neolithic circle on the coffee table and chant about solstices. Far more spiritual than watching them bob uselessly in a tumbler. Plus, it will remind you of Spinal Tap. Nice.
Weapon in a Zombie Apocalypse
When civilisation collapses, you’ll be glad you hoarded a freezer full of throwable rocks. Whisky stones: because even the undead need a reason to regret coming near your house.
The Last Drop
Whisky stones are pointless for whisky. But as lake toys, pet repellents, or last-ditch zombie weapons, they’re almost useful. Just remember: whisky deserves better than freezer gravel.
