Sad Employee


As some of you may have realised, the sudden and shocking news that Master of Malt was closing its doors did indeed have something to do with the fact that it was April 1st…


The truth is, as we celebrate our 30th anniversary this year, Master of Malt is stronger than ever. A huge thank you to all our customers and here’s to another thirty hugely successful years!




Today, after 30 years in business, it is with great sorrow that we shut our doors for good (figurative doors – we’re an online shop). It’s been one hell of an adventure but unfortunately due to the 1971 Endangered Species Act, we’ve had to call it quits. As business owners who have spent the past years turning Master of Malt into what it is today, writing this farewell post is one of the hardest things we’ve ever had to do, so please bear with us.

We’d like to begin by thanking you, our customers, for all the support you’ve given us these past three decades. We really couldn’t have done it without you. You’ve been truly wonderful with your suggestions, feedback and support. We’ve also enjoyed getting to know you over the phone, by email, via social media and at various drinks shows. Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts.

To our wonderful staff, we thank you too. We really wish it didn’t have to be like this, but there was simply no other option. We will miss each and every one of you. You’re good people.

And now we owe you all an explanation as to just why we’ve had to close down.

It all started late last year.

When redoing the shingle on the roof of our warehouse, a tradesman noticed a shrill, piercing tweet from within the roof. He immediately phoned the RSPB, who showed up shortly after and began taking samples. After some deliberation, they announced that a rare species of the Colobus Owl was nesting in the rafters. This news was followed by protests from an environmental group made up of students, people who make their own clothes, and the unemployed. The building was later seized and we now have until midday today to completely abandon the site.

This isn’t the first time birds have caused issues to the spirits business. In fact, the build of the Isle of Arran distillery was held up for some time due to a pair of nesting eagles. Unlike Arran, however, we are unable to continue. It is illegal to work in the premises, and rehousing the birds elsewhere is apparently impossible as any contact with them will leave our scent on their feathers and they will be ostracised by the rest of their species.

We believe an image tells a thousand words. Right now this is how we’re feeling:

Closing Down Sad Employee

Given the fact we only have until midday today to sell every last malty, mouth-watering drop of whisky in our warehouse, we’re offering free shipping* on absolutely everything until noon.

So, dear friends and customers, we invite you to browse our online shop for the last time and fill your figurative baskets with all the spirits you desire. By this time tomorrow, we’ll be gone, will simply redirect to one of the online bingo sites they advertise on daytime TV.

Thank you and goodbye.

The Chaps at Master of Malt


* Applies to UK Mainland shipping, or £4.89 off of all other shipping options, until midday (GMT) 01/04/2015.