Decoding your bottle

The world’s biggest booze producers often deploy impressive-sounding phrases like ‘award-winning’ and ‘special edition’ to shift their signature spirits, but what do those terms actually mean? Join us as we harness decades of industry know-how in a bid to shake up spirits marketing and, well, decode the label of your favourite dram…

Ever pondered how those mysterious ‘forgotten casks’ – containing precious whisky worth thousands of pounds – managed to somehow elude the meticulous warehouse inventories of some of the biggest drinks corporations in the world? At the risk of getting blacklisted from every brand-led ‘masterclass’ going, it all sounds a little bit… far-fetched.

With that in mind, we decided to analyse a selection of words and phrases that crop up time and time again in drinks marketing (and, we hold our hands up here, occasionally booze journalism. Ahem) and attempt to decipher what the brands are really saying beneath all that advertising waffle. 

Award-winning

What they say: Don’t just take our word for it, taste our award-winning Tequila for yourself…
What they actually mean: We paid a lot of money to enter a spirits tasting competition and the majority of the judges didn’t hate it

Heritage/tradition

What they say: We’re proud to celebrate 380 years of distilling heritage…
What they actually mean: The original distillery was bought out by our multinational company decades ago. Also, when the anniversary rolls around we will inevitably attempt to make money out of it

Appeal to your senses

What they say: Complex yet elegant, this beach pebble-infused gin will appeal to all your senses…
What they actually mean: We’ve run out of interesting ways to describe how it tastes

New generation of drinkers

What they say: Distilled from barley and recycled credit card receipts, our vodka seeks to attract a new generation of drinkers…
What they actually mean: The liquid is inoffensive and the head of our marketing department wants to target as many people as possible

Progressive/pushing boundaries

What they say: Made with the literal tears of our master blender, our bitcoin-infused whisky pushes the boundaries of innovation
What they actually mean: We’ve noticed smaller distilleries doing something similar and have decided to capitalise on this emerging trend

Shake up

What they say: By sourcing the very finest jambon blanc that France has to offer, we aim to shake up the staid ham-infused rum category…
What they actually mean: We’ve noticed smaller distilleries doing something similar and have decided to capitalise on this emerging trend

Forgotten cask

What they say: One fateful night, our master distiller stumbled across a forgotten cask tucked away in a quiet corner of the warehouse…
What they actually mean: This spirit is relatively old and we’re looking for a reasonable excuse to charge an absolute fortune for it

Reimagined/turned on its head

What they say: To create our London Wet Gin, we took the classic London Dry style and turned it on its head
What they actually mean: We’ve completely ran out of ideas 

Resting

What they say: After resting in a barrel for more than 30 years…
What they actually mean: We stored it in a warehouse

Slowly maturing

What they say: Having slowly matured in a barrel until it reached perfection…
What they actually mean: Again, we stored it in a warehouse

Inspired by

What they say: With its flavours of expensive tyres and unadulterated horsepower, Finish Line Vodka is inspired by the Hungarian Grand Prix…
What they actually mean: We invented a plausible backstory in a futile attempt to make the brand stand out

Special edition

What they say: This special edition Day of the Triffids bottling is completed with a free ‘herbicide’ branded flask
What they actually mean: We’ve put our core spirit into slightly different packaging for some reason. Also, here’s some junk you’ll eventually donate to a charity shop

Limited edition

What they say: Just 70,000 bottles of this limited edition whisky have been made available…
What they actually mean: We’re pretending that we haven’t made very much of this so we can up the price and create a buzz around the launch

Pay homage

What they say: By adding fresh olives to the recipe, we pay homage to Athena, goddess of wisdom, and Poseidon, god of the Sea, who, according to legend, created the mystical tree in ancient Greece
What they actually mean: We needed an excuse to add a random flavour to this otherwise fairly generic spirit

Personally selected/hand selected

What they say: Drawing from our vast archive, our master distiller personally selected these distinctive casks to release to the delight of rum fans across the globe…
What they actually mean: Our master distiller tasted these casks fairly recently 

In partnership with

What they say: We partnered with a world-famous dog walker to produce our new tennis ball-infused gin…
What they actually mean: We paid someone well-known a lot of money to endorse our brand. They may or may not have actually tasted it