Following a bumper crop of entries to our Burns Night poetry competition 2022, we are delighted to announce the winner who will receive a bottle of Glengoyne 21 Year Old, and two runners-up who will also receive whisky-based prizes.

It’s fair to say that we were surprised by the enthusiasm for this year’s Burns Night poetry competition. Normally we received about 70 entries but this year nearly 300 talented Master of Malt customers exercised their bardic muscles. If it wasn’t for the magic of computerised communication, Tonbridge Post Office would have had to take on new staff just to transport all that verse.

Burns Night Poetry Competition 2022

Here’s what you could have won

Judging the Burns Night Poetry Competition 2022

There were poems that made us laugh, some that made us cry, and others that made us scratch our heads and say, ‘what was all that about?’ Before we get onto the winners and runners-up, a special mention for Emma for rhyming “single malts” with “somersaults” and “one learns” with “third degree Burns.” Well done! We had a good chuckle at that. Also to RJR Phillips for so daringly and amusingly breaking our no rhyming ‘whisky’ with ‘frisky’ rule. 

But democracy must prevail and our crack team of highly-educated judges voted for three poems in particular which we are going to run in reverse order.

Third place

So third place goes to Alyson Craddack for an amusing ode to a mouse. You win a bottle of  Aerolite Lyndsay 10 Year Old.

Careful now, how you return,

A bottle to the shelf.

Wee Beastie may just be there

And fail to move himself!

He made it from the ploughed up field,

Ran through the Kirk-yard gate,

Dodging any nasty traps

Which tempted him with bait.

Found him then, a cosy spot,

Amongst some amber brew,

And tucked away, at the very back,

He built a nest anew.

Hoping now for barley spilled,

Perhaps he’ll get a nibble?

Or better still, from an Ill-placed cap

He might just get a dribble!

Second place

In second place is a magnificently rhythmic poem about Scotland which reminded one of the judges of Doctor Seuss. Also extra points for rhyming ‘Nietzsche’ with ‘deep-fried pizza’. Congratulations Andrew Skiller! Your prize is a bottle of Islay 12 Year Old Oloroso Cask Finish (Darkness) and a Regions of Scotland Whisky Tasting Set.

Scotland is home to the eagle bird,

Raspberry jam and lemon curd.

Glens and lochs, hills and mountains,

Tablet, shortbread, sherbet fountains.

Football teams with lovely grounds,

Neeps and tatties served in mounds.

Philosophers to rival Nietzsche,

Haggis, chips and deep-fried pizza.

Views across the Isle of Man,

Marmalade and Cranachan.

Red squirrels, deer and Scottish piskies,

A million different types of whisky.

Kilts and sporrans made from mink,

Pies and puddings, Cullen Skink.

Cattle, sheep and piggies too,

Stovies, scones and Irn Bru.

Scotland’s a place that will capture your heart,

And you can stuff your face with Ecclefechan Tart.

And the winner is….

And now for the winner: a perfectly-judged poem about Burns, whisky and a wee beastie. It made us laugh, smile and we think it’ll be a joy to read on Burns Night (that’s tonight!) with a few drams and a haggis. Thank you Nicky Harris. You win a bottle of Glengoyne 21 Year Old!

I’d like to put it here on record for all the world to see

I may be small, I may be brown, but “tim’rous ” isnt me.

I’ve watched that chap sat at his desk, drinking his so called “tea”

The sort of tea that makes him squint and sing of auld lang “see”?

The trouble I have gone to, to get him off to bed

So I can have the house to myself

And get me properly fed

The “tea” makes him forgetful

He often leaves good crumbs!

So I need him off to bed

Then i can call my chums

And so we feast on cheese and bread

And dance the night away

Wee tim’rous cowrin beasties all

See in a brand new day!

Thank you to everyone who entered. There were so many great poems. Until next year.