Well, it had to happen didn’t it?
There were absolutely bound to be some people so warped, so twisted, that the 100,000 Scovilles Naga Chilli Vodka we launched at the beginning of the year wasn’t hot enough for them. Words fail me.
Capsaicin (the active compound that provides chillies’ heat) is said to be addictive (it causes the release of dopamine amongst other brain-chemistry-related treats), and this doubtless goes some way towards explaining the mindset of this small but vocal minority of nut-jobs.
It’s probably worth pointing out a few of the people for whom it emphatically was hot enough; Philip Schofield for one:
The world’s most pre-eminent Chilli product reviewer, Darth Naga for another:
Nevertheless, the inundation of mentalists for whom the 100,000 just wasn’t hot enough has spurred us on to release this, the bigger, nastier and somewhat more criminal brother of the 100k. So – ladies and gentlemen - actually no, scratch that...
So – idiots and mentalists, may we present:
250,000 Scovilles Naga Chilli Vodka.
This stuff is made in much the same (simple) way as the 100k scovilles – we take very high quality English wheat spirit, and soak a frankly disgraceful quantity of Naga Jolokia Chillies in it for a couple of weeks. The difference between the 100k and this, the 250,000? Simple. More Chillies.
The source of all that unnecessariness.
You’ll probably have noticed that the 250k is priced exactly the same as the 100k – at £31.95. We’ve been able to keep the price static (despite the raw ingredient – Dried Naga Jolokia Chillies - costing almost £300 a kilo) because we’re bringing this to you in a slightly smaller bottle. 50cl, as opposed to the normal 70cl of the 100k. To be honest though, 50cl is probably still way too much. 0.5cl is too much. In fact – let’s not beat about the bush - any is too much. A bit more on that:
Joking aside, and all sense of levity removed – this stuff isn’t one of those “ooh – look at me – I’m really hot – try me if you dare” products. It’s a properly, properly hot drink – even by our standards*. We categorically, absolutely insist that you not try and drink it neat under any circumstances. It’s not ‘for’ that (as hopefully the videos above and tasting notes below will convince you). We feel okay publishing those, as Darth Naga is a seasoned veteran who’s even eaten pure Capsaicin at 16,000,000 Scovilles, our staff are on the payroll, and Philip Schofield, well, is Philip Schofield.
So – given that you’re not going to be shooting it – what’s it actually for? Well – it makes a mean (in every sense of the word) Bloody Mary. In fact, in a recent dinner at my house, I made up a batch of Bloody Mary Granita as a starter. I used about 50ml of 100k Scovilles (so the equivalent of 20ml of this new concoction) in a batch of Bloody Mary that was about 750ml. It was still pretty much inedible. I finished mine out of a misplaced stoic sense of duty, but the 7 other people at the table didn’t.
It’s also absolutely belting when added to food. The abv does a very good job of preserving the delicious fruity flavour of the Nagas, and even a teaspoon or so in a big old batch of curry or chilli works wonders.
If you’re thinking ‘a teaspoon surely can’t do that much damage’ – let us remind you of the reason for this product’s name – 250,000 Scovilles. A Scoville unit is a measurement of the capsaicin content of chillies. It’s a very simple measurement – it’s the number of parts of water that you’d have to dilute the chilli product with, in order for the heat to only just be noticeable.
So – just to put that in perspective, 5ml of this product would need to be diluted in 1,250,000ml of water in order for its heat to be just about noticeable.
1,250,000ml of water takes up 1.25 cubic metres. It weighs 1.25 tons. To put it another way, it’s the amount of liquid an average adult male would drink in a little over a year… Are you getting the picture here?
If you are intent on ignoring us however, and do have to try it neat – we’d advise (seriously) no more than a tenth of a millilitre or so (and this will still be ‘a problem’). You have been warned. In fact – here are our tasting notes. Just read these, and you won’t have to try it for yourself:
250,000 Scovilles Naga Chilli Vodka - £31.95
Tasting Note by The Chaps at Master of Malt
Nose: It smells like the devil’s tears, with a side of Agent Orange mixed with Pepper Spray. Ben, Ben please don’t make me drink this, can’t we just guess how it tastes? It just seems wholly unnecessary to drink it.
Palate: Oh it’s not so bad. No it’s fine really... Oh, actually it’s quite hot… Wait a second… Oh what have you done… Mooo… Moooooooooo. Moooooooooooooooooo. Yaggarrhrhhh….
Finish: [Ed. He’s slipped from his chair and is now rocking back and forth maniacally under his chair, holding his computer mouse for comfort. The DHL delivery man saw this and ran out screaming.]
Overall: [Ed. He’s been shivering in terror for over an hour now, chanting the words “liberate tutemae” over and over.]
Oh yeah – and here are the disclaimers you’re agreeing to if you actually do want to buy the stuff. We’d advise you not to though. Buy some whisky instead it’s much nicer:
1) I have been warned and fully understand that this product contains extreme heat and should be used and handled responsibly.
2) I use this product entirely at my own risk and I understand the potential danger if used or handled irresponsibly. If I give this product as a gift I will make the recipient aware of the potential danger if used or handled irresponsibly.
3) I accept that the retailer and manufacturer of this product will, under no circumstances, be responsible for, or liable for, any claims of injury or damage arising from the use or misuse of this product and by purchasing this product, whether for myself or as a gift, I acknowledge and agree to this fact without question.
4) I am not inebriated or of unsound mind and am fully able to make a rational decision to purchase this product.
* And just to give you some kind of indication of the sort of people ‘we’ are – I’ll relate a conversation Justin had with a curry house waiter just a few short weeks ago whilst trying to order us a curry to share**:
Justin: Right – so this Murgh Naga…
Waiter: Yes sir?
Justin: I want you to take it, and make it as hot as you possibly can.
Waiter: It’s already very hot sir.
Justin: I appreciate that, but I’d like you to make it roughly ten times hotter.
Waiter: But sir, it’s already very hot indeed.
Justin: Again – I appreciate that, but it’s not hot ‘enough’…
Waiter: So you want me to make it hotter?
Justin: That’s right. Tell you what – why don’t we do this. You pretend that I’ve done something terrible to you. Pretend that you really want to hurt me, like, properly hurt me.
Justin: And this curry is the only way you have to do that. This curry is your revenge for the terrible thing that I’ve done to you. Or maybe your family.
Justin: Then make it twice as hot.
**Yes. It was hot. It was very hot. In fact the sauce was mostly comprised of ground up chillies. It was good*** though. We finished it.
***Except for the stomach cramps of course.
This is what some chilli reviewers thought of the 250,000 Scovilles Naga Chilli Vodka